Thin and sweet places: a long silence ended.

I haven't written in this blog for some time. The last several months have been an intense time of pondering, praying, crying, and wondering what to do next. During the long silence I started working full-time at the local library and we became pregnant.  Amidst these joys, trial after trial has hit us in the Keys. There is nothing comforting or familiar here. We don't love it here. In fact, there were days I wanted to--and perhaps did-- tell everyone how much I hated it! I am keeping the details sparse because I believe some privacy in the midst of transparency is good. Nonetheless, nothing here has won us over. In fact, the Keys seem to do their best to make us disdain this place and despair of ever leaving. 

It has been a confusion of circumstances. 

You're being a baby. You should suck it up.

You should love this place. Everyone else does.

You should feel bad about feeling bad.

You are stuck in this place forever. God will never let you leave.

If you really trusted God this wouldn't be hard for you. You would be strong instead of so weak.

These are a few of the lies the Enemy of my soul has aimed at my heart and head these last few months.

For the first time in my life I can identify with Job and the injury his friends added to his wounds uttering things like:

It's all your fault.

You need to suck it up.
You're clearly not trusting God.

God is punishing you.

Of course, this is my loose translation of the words Job's friends spoke to him. I am blessed to have family and friends who surround me with much encouragement and many prayers. But still, not everyone quite understands the circumstances we've been experiencing down here nor the context of things. I don't expect them to. They are not in this season. Besides, our suffering isn't entirely for us. It is just as much so we may comfort others down the road. It also reminds me that sometimes we are quick to forget past trials, to not weep with those who weep because a current season of comfort has lulled us into sweet security and perhaps even apathy. I am guilty of this sin myself, so many times past and present.

Rest has slowly come to my heart. I spent the last couple of weeks weeping and praying more than I ever (exacerbated further by pregnancy hormones, no doubt), and digging deep into the Psalms. It was then that I became very honest with God and honest with myself, and  that I was able to surrender in quietness and trust and find my strength in Him. It isn't until we set aside the woulds, shoulds, and coulds and are honest with Jesus that we can hear His word and receive His love for us.

I have also spent a lot of time reading Ann Voskamp and her posts on hard times. I have begun thanking God for the thin times, the hard times, the broken times. It is these times that refines us and grows us up in Christ. And in middle of the hardship, in thanking him for the suffering, I catch glimpses of goodness and beauty, of love and even softness admist the harshness. There is sweet wine filling in the thinness of the wafers and the harshness of the broken, spilled-over places.

It's my husband loving me and caring for me, doing the dishes, surprising me with sausages for dinner (I heart sausages), putting my needs before his.

Its when our baby growing inside me begins kicking when I sing to him, or moves his tiny arms in praise during Sunday's sermon and hymns.

It's the friends I've made here, patiently listening to my complaints and sorrow about living here with understanding hearts and helping hands. 

It's the friends I've got back home, praying, sending me encouraging verses and text messages, and calling me to catch-up on life. 

It's the job I work, where coworkers accommodate my pregnancy needs with kindness, and unlimited snack and restroom breaks.

It's in our families sharing their excitement for their new grandson and nephew and the fun nicknames they come up with for him. (So far we're up to Hotdog, Porker, #17 Ultimate Porker, HD, and several others.)

There are answered prayers too, prayers for encouragement during a rough week. Answers I never saw coming. I rejoice over them too.

So no, I haven't had much good to say or write about. Even writing about the hard times has been difficult. And certainly, the Keys has not been paradise for us. But we are sweetly broken and Christ is holding us close as we wait on Him for the next steps to take.